Page 525 - NUAFC EBook

of personal injuries. something is happening that nobody knows about. Although
Strained Achilles- Mark strained this vital tendon while his insides are forever scarred by his consumption of
having a nightmare in bed, dreaming about Nickelback's, liniment, cleverly disguised in a G Force bottle, this has not
Chad Croger and the lead singer of Counting Crow’s stopped him from producing a litter of progeny across
love child; several continents.
Prosthetic hip- surgically implanted following a 2-1 win An electric player. His lightning pace and
over Whangarei in which he sustained a twisted ankle. unpredictability tormented the opposition. An uncanny
Mark swears the elective surgery was necessary to ability for the ball to remain both in his control and out,
alleviate the phantom pain most commonly associated defenders would be left dumbfounded as to how the ball
with people with amputated limbs; could bounce around every part of his body and still
Torn ACL- sustained during an intense game of Operation, maintain “control”.
ironically trying to extricate the knee cap;
Fused Vertebrae- Mark injured his back celebrating his first TROY LOCHEAD
goal for Ngara at the tender age of 39 in which he 2004-10, 2016
attempted a triple somersault with a reverse twist. While The original Gandalf, Lochhead is indelibly burned
Mark stuck the somersault, he awkwardly failed to stick into the Ngara psyche. This love child of inspector Gadget
the landing; and one of the Wet Bandits from the Home Alone movies
2480 stitches sustained over the course of his long and (The tall one, not Joe Pesci working through his Goodfella’s
illustrious career, which on average amounts to 10 per hangover) dabbled in several positions before settling for
first team appearance, including 18 incurred as a result coaching/ management.
of a minor disagreement over song selection on a Although his stints in goal left a permanent
friendly bus trip to Whakatane. impression on his defence, glasses or not, it was in coaching
His unnatural reverence of a former music store that he found his niche. Ever the proprietor of the “what have
clerk notwithstanding, Mark has earned his place amongst you done for the club lately” ethos, his pre-match pep talks
the upper echelon of club legends. Silencing many of his inspired a Disney like devotion to the club and teammates.
harshest critics with consistent performances week in week Burdened with the unenviable position of supporting
out creating the “scoop” pass (patent pending). Leeds United and New South Wales, he has questionably
managed to maintain his positive attitude despite also being
THE WEASELS born an Australian. The Every friend, he has since relocated
2001-18 back to the land of his birth, investing heavily in his
It is difficult to talk about one of the Weasels athletically talented children who seem to have thrived in the
without mentioning the other. These pint-sized legends blew Australian sporting environment, providing Lochhead with a
into town from the Northern League collapse of Huntly sustainable retirement scheme.
Thistle. Both have made, and continued to make, an
indelible mark on the club’s history.
One is particularly choosy, extremely suspicious,
uncontrollably irrational, slow to forgive, a mochaccino-
drinking sophisticate/ glass half full kind of guy. The other is
self-described as strength, courage and composure
personified, but doesn’t do carbs. I will leave it for their
wives to determine who is who.
Both Weasels have provided memorable first team
appearances, with each earning significant accolades. Johnny
would go on to be the back bone of the reincarnated
“WaiBoP A Moo Loo River Dragons”, literally providing
pieces of his back to the team’s season. Phil Weasel
captained the First team on many occasions. His playing
style was once labelled as “prolific”, an achievement in of
itself carved out in the days before the Thesaurus.
Born of a litter of 12 Weasels, Johnny and Phil have
become “stable” cornerstones of the social football scene in
the Waikato of late as each are committed to maintaining
New Zealand’s unnaturally high methane levels.
Each now require a permission slip before providing
their unique talents on the football pitch.

NIKOLAI HELWIG
1996-99, 2004-05, 2010, 2012-13
The original hellion widely seen as a fundamental
constant of the interconnectedness of all things. This player
could fall in a bucket of excrement and come out smelling
like roses, walking into a room full of people, making 10
new friends and going on a Gandalf like adventure.
Some of his actions have led many to consider
whether he is masterminding a complex scheme with no
obvious benefit to himself, whereas the obvious idea is that
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